Changing For The Better

I'm trying something new here. Blogging isn't new for me (though actually consistently posting would be), but making a conscious decision and effort to change myself is new. I've thought about becoming a 'better person' and whatnot before now. I've thought about it a lot, actually. But the selfish, lazy bitch inside of me always overruled that timid voice.

Being a bitch is fun. I can say what I want, do what I want, and not care about what others think. I can be mean and heartless without worrying about hurting other people's feelings. I can be as sarcastic as my heart desires without fussing over it. It's freeing in a way. But it's also distancing.

Being mean and sarcastic all the time means that I lose a lot of friendships and opportunities that I would have otherwise kept. I have no filter, even when meeting new people. I tend to say off-putting things, and I'm starting to realize that I can't do that and still expect to be loved and appreciated. For as long as I can remember, I've been mean. Maybe not so much in elementary school, but I still remember being brutally honest with others. And that really is a trait I love about myself, but it's gotten me into trouble in the past.

When I look at my life on a day-to-day basis, I realize that I'm not really happy. I recently started using this app called Mr. Mood (available in the app store) and for the five days that I've been using it, I'm actually not as unhappy as I thought I was, which is nice to know, but it still bothers me that I look back and all I can see are bad days behind me.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that really started all of this, although my friend was really drunk at the time and the conversation wasn't exactly long, it planted a seed in my mind that has grown into something incredible.

Let me first take a break here and explain that it's kind of a miracle that me and this guy are friends at all. He's super energetic and upbeat all the time. Think the definition of the word 'extrovert'. He's positive and always looking on the bright side of things. I don't think he's ever had a really bad day in his life, because his attitude towards everything is so positive and carefree. Then there's me. I'm cynical, moody, bitchy, cranky, negative, and would rather be alone watching Netflix on a Saturday night than out at the club. Our personalities clash so much that I'm surprised I haven't gotten sick of his constant positivity. But so far so good - our friendship is great.

So back to this conversation. It went something like:
Him: "Cynics have no fun."
Me: "Well..."
Him: "No. Cynics only see the negative. They're so caught up with the negative things that they can't see the beauty in everyday objects. They focus too much on the bad to see the good."
Me: "I mean, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm trying to decide if I actually like being a cynic or not. Like, I'm and artist so that part of me allows me to see the beauty in the little things, but the cynic in me makes me unable to handle stupidity."

And that's pretty much the extent of the conversation.

Every few days I would think back to this moment and meditate on it, trying to decide if I really liked being a cynic or not. After nearly a month of internal debate and serious self-reflection, I've (somewhat) decided that though I do enjoy being a cynic, my negative outlook on life impacts more than I think. I call myself a 'realist', but my reality is way more negative than actual reality. Or maybe it's not because I haven't been disappointed by my predictions of the future, but it's keeping me from being as happy as I'm capable of being.

I look at my friend and I see his contentment with his life. We've had some serious talks about serious subject matters, and my negativity shows the most when we've talked about relationships. I've never had a real relationship. It bothers me to admit, and it kind of makes me feel a little worried that I'll forever be alone. I'm almost done with my second year of college and I haven't even had a boyfriend. Or someone I could say I was 'talking to' or even dating. I realize I'm being whiny here, but all of this goes through my head on a regular basis. I think about being by myself and it's not being single that bothers me. I actually love being single. It's the thought in my head that it's me that's not good enough. I don't expect things to work out so maybe that's why they don't. But it's mainly the blame that I'm putting on myself. I won't change myself for a man, but I worry that no guy is ever going to find me attractive enough to want to be with me in a romantic relationship.

During one of our conversations about relationships, I made a remark about how nothing ever works out and 'poor, pitiful me', and he replied that I'm looking at things the wrong way. I shouldn't be looking at it from the perspective that 'I know it won't go anywhere because it never does'. He said I should look at things from the perspective of 'It just didn't work out. Now I can move on to find something that will.'

It's hard for me to adopt this way of thinking. I've always been one to cling to the pain and suffering and brood over things gone wrong. I still dwell on things that didn't go as planned that happened over a year ago and weren't even my fault. Things that weren't anyone's fault. I dwell on the negative so much. I've never realized that. And I've never realized how unhappy it made every aspect of my life. I didn't realize how negative I was and how much it clouded my vision until now.

So this is my goal: to wipe away the negativity that's been clouding my life. I want to change myself for the better, starting now, and see what the power of positivity can do to my life. I want to see if there really is something to changing my outlook on life and if it can make me happier, because I think it will. I want this blog to be a journal of my journey of trying to be a more positive person. Hopefully it will keep me accountable for making the changes that I want to make.