Happiness is a Choice

The further I go through this journey, the more I realize that happiness is a choice. I used to think that happy people were just happy. I didn't think they had to work for it. It was just their personality. 

I know now that nothing is further from the truth. Happiness is a conscious decision. It takes a lot of work to be happy. It's not something that just happens. Happiness requires a lot of effort. You have to think about the good things. You have to actively think about being happy and finding the good things that happen everyday. When you're not having a good day, it takes a lot to act like you are happy. 

Happiness doesn't just require some effort at times, it requires 100% effort all the time. But you know what? It's worth it. 100% worth it. 

End of March Update

It's been a while since I wrote here. A lot has happened since my last post, and I'll try to do my best to fill in all the blanks.

The past month has been pretty good. I've had 3 meh days and one bad day (I have an app that keeps track, I wouldn't remember without it). On my one bad day, I had a panic attack. It's the first panic attack that I've ever had, and it scared me a lot. Luckily I have an awesome friend that's always there for me, and he helped me to feel better. Of my other 3 meh days, I only remember one. There was no reason my day should have been blah. It even started out really good, but I just wasn't in a good mood. I tried to be happy. It's the first time that I can recall that I've made an honest effort all day to change my mood. Though it didn't work, it kept me from festering on the sulkiness that I was feeling, and I think it prevented me from having a really bad day. I think I know the general cause though. My hormones change depending on my menstrual cycle, and it was about the time every month that I just feel bleh.

Pretty much every other day has been good or great, and over the past month I've noticed an increase in the amount of great days that I've had. I feel like becoming aware of my mood has made me an overall happier person. I'm more aware of how many good days I have, and in return I'm having even more good days.

I think I've also become more positive. I can't be 100% sure though, because I feel like it's been such a slow change. I know that I'm still sarcastic, but I think in general I'm not as mean as I used to be.

I recently reviewed my list of why I want to change. One of the things on my list is that my negativity acts as a wall to shut others out and protect myself from harm. I think I've started to bring these walls down and trust more people. It feels good to be open and not have to constantly feel on-guard against everyone. I've definitely opened myself up to a couple people in particular, and even though I know I'm vulnerable, I feel closer with these people, and I don't feel like I have to hide what's going on in my life.

Relationship-wise, I've definitely done a lot of thinking. I've had this thought for a couple years now, but I don't think it's really sunk in until now. I like the idea of having a boyfriend, but I don't know that I actually want a boyfriend. I'm ok with casual. I'm ok with not defining a relationship. I don't want to give away too much of my personal life on here because I don't know who reads this, but the relationship I'm in now (if you can even call it that) is undefined. We're friends who act like a couple half of the time and the other half of the time act like friends/acquaintances. I'm perfectly happy with this. I'm don't see a need for a boyfriend right now. Honestly it just seems like a lot of work that I don't know that I want to do. That isn't to say that I'll never want a boyfriend or a long-term relationship. I just don't see myself in one right now or in the immediate future. I'm sure if the "right guy" comes along I'll change my mind, but for now, I'm happy with the way everything is.

Another Wall - March 5th Update

The past week or so has been difficult. I may have hit another wall. 

This past weekend the robotics team that I help out with competed in San Antonio. The competition was about as good as we could have hoped for, though there were some parts that really ticked me off. The refs made poor calls, the game itself is flawed, and there were more than several difficult moments. Staying positive was hard. I slipped a lot. Saturday evening after the competition was over and all the bad things had happened, I was not in a good mood. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I was upset and I wanted to be bitter and negative. I texted several friends that live in different areas that are somewhat familiar with what I was going through, and they tried to cheer me up, or at least get me out of the cloud of negativity that was surrounding me. I knew I was being unreasonable, but I still wanted to be bitter.

The next day, I wasn’t in a bad mood anymore. The relatives that I had stayed with helped me to be not be so negative and look on the bright side of things. Driving back from San Antonio, though, was an ordeal all on its own. It had started sleeting and icing and the roads were bad. Traffic was horrible, and I ended up taking a crazy detour and staying the night in Dallas with a friend. No way was I going to drive back to my apartment and hour away from Dallas with roads that bad. 

On the drive though, I kept complaining. I had a friend in the car with me, and I’m so grateful that he puts up with my ranting and bitterness. I’m trying to change, but recently it’s been getting harder. I’m aware of my complaining at least, and at one point mused out loud why I complain so much. I honestly don’t know. It was a rhetorical question, but my friend answered anyway, asking questions so that I could try to understand myself a little bit better. I think it may be a cry for attention, but I’m not 100% positive.

After this past weekend, I’ve been doing a little better. I’ve been trying to catch myself again when I start acting too bitter, but I feel like I’m almost back to the beginning. I recognize when I’m being negative, but I’m not exactly doing anything to change my thoughts. I have to keep pushing through, though. Eventually I’ll get back on track. Baby steps.