It's been a long time since I've posted. Life got in the way and I learned a lot about myself. I apologize if this post gets lengthy or boring. But here goes.
The whole reason I started this blog was to try and find the little things in my life that made me happy. To try using positivity to get my brain less focused on the negative and more focused on why I should be loving life. That is something I've always struggled with. I've gone through rough patches where I felt gloomy all the time. I've been attracted to darker topics and mental illnesses, while fascinating, didn't seem real to me. I read books about drug abuse and human trafficking, bipolar disorder and having to go to rehab. I loved these stories (thank you Ellen Hopkins) because I didn't have to pretend to be happy while reading them. I related because the characters' lives were worse than mine, but they faced similar struggles. Nothing went right. It was all a downward spiral. But the end was left with hope.
My story didn't seem to have hope. I was lost in the fall of anger and bitterness and breakdowns every night. I couldn't focus on school or work or anything. Life felt meaningless. And things kept getting worse.
Things were hard before I was torn from the one thing in my life that seemed to be going well. That's why I had this blog. To hold myself accountable for the good. But then the bomb dropped and I lost all my friends. I lost my livelihood and had to figure out how to keep going.
I kept falling.
While in my bitterness, I had talked to some acquaintances. #BellLetsTalk showed up on twitter one day. A dear friend of mine was telling his story 140 characters at a time. He shared his struggle with mental illnesses and suicide attempts. That was when I realized I wasn't alone. I realized my fucked up brain wasn't "just me". I had depression. It took courage to tell people and open up. My friend helped me through the worst of it and is still there for me. He gave me the strength to go to a doctor and ask for help.
It wasn't easy. Medication had side effects. I couldn't start it right away because of a work trip from hell. I had cut a few times before, but the second night of that trip was the first one that left a scar. I was a mess. I wished I could end my life then and there. But my support system of one came to my hotel room, picked me up off the floor, and said it was alright. He validated my feelings instead of brushing them away. He made it possible to keep going.
I felt so numb.
I started 10mg of Celexa as soon as I got back home. The numbness was still there, along with new problems from the medication. I slept all the time. I was never hungry. My focus was worse than before. But I kept on.
Two weeks later the side effects were gone. I had to force myself to eat, but I made it through. I went back for a checkup a month after I started taking meds. I wasn't better. I didn't feel so numb, but I wasn't back to normal.
The doctor upped my dosage. 20 mg of Celexa.
Things got better. Life felt fine again. I would still have bad days. I still cut occasionally, but only on my really bad days. For the most part, I felt back to normal. I would have drastic mood swings, but not as bad as they had been. I was surviving. I started breaking the pills after a while to take 30mg. It helped, but I needed to go back to the doctor.
I was put on the highest dosage. 40mg.
Since then, I've been good. I feel normal. I have happy days and the darkness is behind me. Some days I can feel it creeping up, but it's never as bad as it was pre-medication.
I still struggle every now and then, though. I have trouble crying. Sadness is no longer an intense emotion, it's just numbness. School is rough and work is even worse. But even with job hunting and all the obstacles I have now, I'm learning to cope.
Meditation has helped lots. Headspace has done wonders for keeping my mind clear. Even though it tells me to keep others in mind and how my meditation will positively effect them, I don't. Meditation is for me, in the most selfish form. It's how I keep sane. It's how I clear the thoughts that won't subside. The SOS sessions help me when I'm at my worst and breaking down.
So life hasn't been that positive over the last year, but I'm making it through all the same.
One day at a time, one week at a time.
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