Day 12 Update - Single and Happy

Before I started this journey into being more positive, I had about a week where I was really unhappy with most everything that happened. Mostly it was because of some things that happened relationship-wise.

Or rather, it was more to do with my lack of relationships (at least in the romantic sense). Every time my hopes get smashed by a guy or something dumb like that, I get depressed or severely gloomy for about a week. The things that usually go through my head are 'of course guys don't like me,' 'I'm not the type of girl that guys like,' 'I wish I was like other girls,' etc, etc. And every time I go through one of these phases, as it's nearing its end, I always think 'why do I base my happiness off of things out of my control?' 'Why do I let these things get to me this much?' 'I'm happier on my own.' 'I like the idea of a boyfriend more than I think I would actually like a boyfriend.'

These thoughts don't exactly make things better, but they steel my heart and make me feel like this:

Minus the black woman part. By thinking like this for so long, I get less and less sad each time I get rejected and more expect it to happen from the get-go. This doesn't mean I don't get a little depressed each time something doesn't work out, but I've been working on it.

Toady I had a conversation with a friend that normally would have reminded me that I'm still single and how much I want a relationship. But I think I've come to an important realization about myself. I honestly don't think I need a romantic relationship. At least not right now. Maybe if I had one I would think differently, but with nothing to compare my current single life to, I think I'm good. I've recently acquired a cuddle buddy, and it's made me realize that maybe I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. I just need friends that I can feel physically close to.

I've always been a bit of a loner, and I've never been a touchy-feely person. I tend to shy away from skin-to-skin contact, and the concept of hugging someone that's my friend on a regular basis isn't something that I'm used to. But since I've got my cuddle buddy, I'm not as scared of contact as I used to be, and I even feel happier. Now I know that may be because of endorphins being released and because hugging and cuddling has been proven to make you happier, but either way I feel more content with my singleness.

I've realized and fully accepted how happy I am on my own, and when I do feel sad about being single, I think about all the great things I can do now that I couldn't necessarily do with a boyfriend. I can do what I want when I want. I don't have to check with another person before I do things. I don't have to worry about texting someone and constantly talking to someone when I may not want to (because I do get finicky and go into hermit mode occasionally). I need a decent amount of alone time, and maybe with a boyfriend I wouldn't get that.

So to conclude: I'm single. I'm happy. Cuddling is nice. I like my alone time.

Thursday Update

Though today was a good day, I find myself sitting on the couch, watching TV, and wanting to sulk about things that mean nothing. Things that I've dealt with before. Things like the girls in my design class that never stalk talking about anything and ask the professor questions that have already been answered several times before. Things like relationships that didn't work in the past and haven't even been rekindled, but I've been reminded in some way or another about those failings. Things like stupid drivers, the fact the Hobby Lobby doesn't carry the rings for chainmaille (because I'm starting yet another craft), the original idea I had for a project that isn't valid anymore, and that I'm probably going to have to re-dye my hair because one bottle of dye wasn't enough.

These things should not bother me. I've gone through other things that are worse than these in the past week, and I've still stayed positive. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to not let it bother me. I'm trying and I feel like I'm failing.

I don't know why I'm feeling negative today. It may be that I've hit the metaphorical wall in my journey. It may be that time in my menstrual cycle where I'm just in a generally bad mood all the time. I'm not sure, but I'm trying to push through it and learn how to stay positive and happy when all I want to do is be bitter and angry.

As my mom told me when I started this change: fake it till you make it. Eventually it'll become habit.

Beautiful vs. Hot

Today I saw an article talking about “The Actual Difference Between Women Who are Hot and Women Who are Beautiful.” Though this isn’t closely related to positivity, I think there’s something to be said about being happy with who you are and how you look. Positivity brings out the beauty in people, as does doing things for yourself. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of these kinds of articles lately. The talk about how we make ourselves up just to be ogled by men. How we have to put on layers and layers of makeup to be “pretty.” 

I agree this is an issue in our society, but I think we’re making it a bigger deal than it really is. Talk to an average woman and I bet you’ll hear her say how exhausting it is to look the way society tells us to, but I bet you’ll also hear her say something about how she doesn’t always comply with the standards set. She’s probably wearing her hair in a ponytail with little makeup, perfectly beautiful but saying she looks “ratchet” or “a hot mess.” Women need to stop and actually realize that the magazines we read are written by women, for women, about what men want. Anyone else see the problem here? Men aren’t actually the ones saying what they’re looking for. I see a whole other problem here about women only doing things for men, but this is not the place or time to get into that.

Before I go too much further, let me explain a little about me. I rarely wear makeup. It’s not to make a statement about the pressures of society, but it’s because I love being able to rub my eyes whenever I want to, which is really nice after a particularly sleepless night. It took me a while to be happy with myself after I stopped wearing makeup. I still prefer the way I look with eyeliner and eyeshadow on, but I can more easily recognize my own beauty without makeup now.

I also have a lot of male friends. I prefer they’re company rather than female company because of the simplicity. Men don’t really beat around the bush. They’re more honest and don’t worry about hurting feelings or deception to make someone feel better. They also don’t have the drama that women have. They’re straightforward and won’t pretend to be your friend when they secretly (or not so secretly) hate you. I’m friends with all types of guys too. Party types, chill types, funny types, pretty much any personality you can think of. And I’ve talked to nearly all of them about their opinions of makeup. So now that you know where I’m coming from, I’ll continue.

It still surprises me when a guy tells me that they prefer when women don’t wear makeup. Two of my guy friends that I’ve talked to most recently both said that a girl is more beautiful and attractive when they’re not wearing makeup. That’s right. They said beautiful. Not pretty, beautiful. One of these guys I expected it from. He seemed like the kind of guy that prefers a girl au natural. The other guy, however, really surprised me. It started when he said that he like my hair in a ponytail. At that time, I had just pulled my hair back because it was hot and in my way. It wasn’t a ponytail that take 20 minutes to do. It was a 20 second ponytail. My hair was frizzy and fluffy and not in any way what I or most other girls would consider attractive. And I still got a compliment. Word for word, it was “I like your hair in a ponytail. You don’t wear it like that very often.” 

Since one of my points of change is to accept compliments more easily, I said thank you and didn’t deny it. I don’t like the way my hair looks in a ponytail. Society makes us feel that plain ponytails are for working out, not being present in everyday life. So I was surprised to get this compliment. From here, the conversation segued into makeup and society telling us what to do. My friend said that he could tell when girls that don’t normally wear makeup are wearing makeup, and that he doesn’t like it. Which surprised me, because I had pegged him as the type of guy that likes a girl to be made as “attractive” as possible. But he said that less makeup is better. That women are prettier without it. I tried to explain that society tells us what to do and how to look, and then he retorted with “but I’m the guy. I’m the one you’re trying to impress. So why aren’t you listening to what I want and what I like?”

This made me pause. Even me, the person who doesn’t wear makeup for anyone else when I do bother to put it on, was caught off-guard at this comment. If we are trying to impress men, why aren’t we listening to them? Why aren’t we asking them at every turn what they like, what they dislike? Why are we paying any attention to these magazines written by women who aren’t men, and therefore don’t know what men want? Why are we trying so hard to impress people that don’t necessarily like what we’re doing? And I guess the biggest question that doesn’t really go along with this post is: why are we trying to impress other people by changing who we are? I’ve found the best way to impress people, or at least gain their attention and respect, is to be true to myself. I do things for me. I don’t care what others say. I don’t try to impress people with my looks or clothes or accessories, and therefore impress people with my independence. Whenever I tell a guy that I don’t wear makeup because I don’t want to conform to society, I always notice their awe. They’re impressed that I’m my own person. Or rather, they’re impressed that I’m a woman and I’m my own person.

I read an article a while ago (or maybe a book) that talked about thinking like a man. Articles like this, while trying to be helpful, are still perpetuating sexism. Why must women think like men? Why can’t we think like women? Why can’t we all think like humans? Why do we have to differentiate between the sexes in things like thinking? By telling women that we should ‘think like a man’ we tell them that being a woman means you’re lesser. It means that thinking like a woman is a bad thing.

So I think empowering women is the best way to get around the whole sexism thing. By empowering women, we make them feel happy in their own skin. We make them feel that they don’t need to change to be beautiful or impress people. The best way to impress someone is to be yourself, and if someone isn’t impressed by that, then they’re not worthy of your time.

Monday Update

As I continue down this path, I find myself recognizing negative thoughts as they happen and trying to put a positive spin on them. It's difficult to do, because I'm starting to realize how negative I was (am) and how many things made me upset or annoyed. Even small things like a slow driver would put me in a not so great mood. To try and fix this, I've found myself trying to justify why people are doing what they're doing. That person's driving really slowly? Maybe they're uncomfortable driving fast. Someone snapped at me? Maybe they're going through a stressful time and it's nothing personal against me. A friend made a sarcastic comment? Maybe they're just trying to have fun and there isn't any truth in the statement.

It's difficult to do this, because I see myself giving up the negative that I've held onto for so long. It's losing a piece of me that I've always had. But I notice that as I've started justifying peoples' actions (in a way that may be completely false) I've been able to let go of the anger and annoyance that I've usually held onto. It's been nice. When stresses have been getting high at robotics meetings, I'm able to see why people are getting frustrated and once I do that, I can forgive them. I'm not holding things against people and I feel better for it.

Dalai Lama

"In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision." - Dalai Lama

Is It That Simple?

It's been 3 full days since I fully committed to making the change to be more positive, and once I made a conscious decision to do so, it seems like things are great. I don't know if it's hormones or beginner's optimism or that I haven't had a really hard day yet, but by simply changing my mindset and the way I react to things around me, I've found that I'm much happier. My days seem to be getting better, and I think I can attribute that to my changing mindset. Is it really that simple? Can the key to happiness really just be how you react to others around you?

Today had a couple challenging moments. I hadn't been back to work or to a robotics meeting (I help mentor a local high school FRC team) since I committed to this change, and those  situations are where I encounter the most sarcastic and negative people. It's not a bad thing, but engineers tend to be cynical and sarcastic. Being in these situations really challenged me to keep my list of how I'm going to change in mind. The one point I kept coming back to was "roll with the punches." It's something that I have issues with doing, and when people say something snarky or sarcastic I tend to get defensive and snap back, usually with a negative remark. Today when this happened I kept calm and tried to not be mean, and by staying positive in my responses, I was able to not get myself worked up over mere words that were meant to be playful.

Though this may seem like a small change, it's been a great learning experience for me. It's helped me realize that this change is 100% me and maybe it's not so hard after all.

Positivity in Reducing Stress

While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed yesterday, I came across an article about "10 Things Super Successful People Do To Stay Calm." It's an interesting read, and the author talks about the effects of being positive.

The third item on the list of ten is "They Stay Positive."

"Positive thoughts help make stress intermittent by focusing your brain’s attention onto something that is completely stress-free. You have to give your wandering brain a little help by consciously selecting something positive to think about. Any positive thought will do to refocus your attention. When things are going well, and your mood is good, this is relatively easy. When things are going poorly, and your mind is flooded with negative thoughts, this can be a challenge. In these moments, think about your day and identify one positive thing that happened, no matter how small. If you can’t think of something from the current day, reflect on the previous day or even the previous week. Or perhaps you’re looking forward to an exciting event that you can focus your attention on. The point here is that you must have something positive that you’re ready to shift your attention to when your thoughts turn negative."

Number seven is squashing negative self-talk.

"A big step in managing stress involves stopping negative self-talk in its tracks. The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that—thoughts, not facts."

Eight is reframing your perspective. 

"Stress and worry are fueled by our own skewed perception of events. It’s easy to think that unrealistic deadlines, unforgiving bosses, and out-of-control traffic are the reasons we’re so stressed all the time. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them."

Though the other points aren't necessarily about being positive, they talk about how to manage stress. I believe that stress is a big component of negativity. If you're stressed all the time, your brain is more susceptible to negativity creeping in. By staying calm, it's easier to stay happy.

My Journey

Why I want to change:

• I have good days but I only dwell on the bad things that happen.
• My negativity shuts people out.
• No one actually enjoys being a cynic, no matter how I've tried to convince myself.
• My negativity acts as a wall.*
• It's time for a change. I've been negative for too long.
• People are drawn to happiness. I read in a book somewhere that positivity and happiness are like magnets. You drawn out the best in other people, and people are drawn to you.

Why this is hard:

• I like immediate change. Instant gratification is my favorite.
• I'm not patient. I'll give up halfway through saying "I didn't need to change anyway." 
• I'm lazy. I'll get busy, revert back to my old ways, and then never find it in me to continue on this journey. 
• I'm bad at motivating myself. 
• I don't like to ask others for help, so I won't ask anyone's help in this.
• I'm super independent, so I want to make this change on my own, without other's pestering me.
• I like to make lists (like this one) with all negative reasons. 
• Sometimes I really do enjoy being a cynic (or at least I think I do).
• It's changing a mindset. I've been negative for forever, and changing the way I think is hard. 
• I like complaining. I like it a lot.
• I'm going to have to start paying a lot more attention to the things I dislike about myself.
• If I tell my friends that I want to be more positive, they will pester me when I'm negative, making me want to be more negative in turn. (My friends are assholes in the best way, but they're also kind of negative).
• As a society we shy away from change. We don't like it. We like our routines. Change is hard. Change is different. 

How I'm going to change:

• Start using positive words instead of negative words.
• Look for the beauty in everyday objects.
• Try not to focus on the bad things. Instead, I'll try to find the good things that happen every day.
• Take time to find the things in life that make me happy and do those things more.
• Not stake my happiness on things outside of my control (i.e. other people and their actions).
• Accept compliments more readily.
• Complain less.
• Hate on myself less.
• Roll with the punches. If something doesn't go as planned, move on and not dwell on it.

*My mom pointed this out to me in a call recently. I told her I started this blog and how I want to change, and she gave me some outside perspective (which she's always been great at). I told her that I've always remembered being negative, and she said that it was probably because it started as a defense in 5th and 6th grade. I had to defend myself against bullies and guys that wanted to hit on me, and so I built up this wall of sarcasm and negativity. When I didn't need these walls four years later, I couldn't put them down because they became habit. It was second nature to be mean and cynical.

Alice

I relate to Alice quite a lot. Not only do I love the book and movies, but there are lots of relevant bits of advice in there. One that relates the most to me is the quote "I give myself very good advice though I very seldom follow it." I know what I need to do and what is best to do, but I rarely actually follow my own advice. Now is time for me to actually go through with this change.

I apologize for the low quality on these images, but most pictures on the internet aren't super high quality.

Henry Ford

Changing For The Better

I'm trying something new here. Blogging isn't new for me (though actually consistently posting would be), but making a conscious decision and effort to change myself is new. I've thought about becoming a 'better person' and whatnot before now. I've thought about it a lot, actually. But the selfish, lazy bitch inside of me always overruled that timid voice.

Being a bitch is fun. I can say what I want, do what I want, and not care about what others think. I can be mean and heartless without worrying about hurting other people's feelings. I can be as sarcastic as my heart desires without fussing over it. It's freeing in a way. But it's also distancing.

Being mean and sarcastic all the time means that I lose a lot of friendships and opportunities that I would have otherwise kept. I have no filter, even when meeting new people. I tend to say off-putting things, and I'm starting to realize that I can't do that and still expect to be loved and appreciated. For as long as I can remember, I've been mean. Maybe not so much in elementary school, but I still remember being brutally honest with others. And that really is a trait I love about myself, but it's gotten me into trouble in the past.

When I look at my life on a day-to-day basis, I realize that I'm not really happy. I recently started using this app called Mr. Mood (available in the app store) and for the five days that I've been using it, I'm actually not as unhappy as I thought I was, which is nice to know, but it still bothers me that I look back and all I can see are bad days behind me.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that really started all of this, although my friend was really drunk at the time and the conversation wasn't exactly long, it planted a seed in my mind that has grown into something incredible.

Let me first take a break here and explain that it's kind of a miracle that me and this guy are friends at all. He's super energetic and upbeat all the time. Think the definition of the word 'extrovert'. He's positive and always looking on the bright side of things. I don't think he's ever had a really bad day in his life, because his attitude towards everything is so positive and carefree. Then there's me. I'm cynical, moody, bitchy, cranky, negative, and would rather be alone watching Netflix on a Saturday night than out at the club. Our personalities clash so much that I'm surprised I haven't gotten sick of his constant positivity. But so far so good - our friendship is great.

So back to this conversation. It went something like:
Him: "Cynics have no fun."
Me: "Well..."
Him: "No. Cynics only see the negative. They're so caught up with the negative things that they can't see the beauty in everyday objects. They focus too much on the bad to see the good."
Me: "I mean, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm trying to decide if I actually like being a cynic or not. Like, I'm and artist so that part of me allows me to see the beauty in the little things, but the cynic in me makes me unable to handle stupidity."

And that's pretty much the extent of the conversation.

Every few days I would think back to this moment and meditate on it, trying to decide if I really liked being a cynic or not. After nearly a month of internal debate and serious self-reflection, I've (somewhat) decided that though I do enjoy being a cynic, my negative outlook on life impacts more than I think. I call myself a 'realist', but my reality is way more negative than actual reality. Or maybe it's not because I haven't been disappointed by my predictions of the future, but it's keeping me from being as happy as I'm capable of being.

I look at my friend and I see his contentment with his life. We've had some serious talks about serious subject matters, and my negativity shows the most when we've talked about relationships. I've never had a real relationship. It bothers me to admit, and it kind of makes me feel a little worried that I'll forever be alone. I'm almost done with my second year of college and I haven't even had a boyfriend. Or someone I could say I was 'talking to' or even dating. I realize I'm being whiny here, but all of this goes through my head on a regular basis. I think about being by myself and it's not being single that bothers me. I actually love being single. It's the thought in my head that it's me that's not good enough. I don't expect things to work out so maybe that's why they don't. But it's mainly the blame that I'm putting on myself. I won't change myself for a man, but I worry that no guy is ever going to find me attractive enough to want to be with me in a romantic relationship.

During one of our conversations about relationships, I made a remark about how nothing ever works out and 'poor, pitiful me', and he replied that I'm looking at things the wrong way. I shouldn't be looking at it from the perspective that 'I know it won't go anywhere because it never does'. He said I should look at things from the perspective of 'It just didn't work out. Now I can move on to find something that will.'

It's hard for me to adopt this way of thinking. I've always been one to cling to the pain and suffering and brood over things gone wrong. I still dwell on things that didn't go as planned that happened over a year ago and weren't even my fault. Things that weren't anyone's fault. I dwell on the negative so much. I've never realized that. And I've never realized how unhappy it made every aspect of my life. I didn't realize how negative I was and how much it clouded my vision until now.

So this is my goal: to wipe away the negativity that's been clouding my life. I want to change myself for the better, starting now, and see what the power of positivity can do to my life. I want to see if there really is something to changing my outlook on life and if it can make me happier, because I think it will. I want this blog to be a journal of my journey of trying to be a more positive person. Hopefully it will keep me accountable for making the changes that I want to make.