My Journey

Why I want to change:

• I have good days but I only dwell on the bad things that happen.
• My negativity shuts people out.
• No one actually enjoys being a cynic, no matter how I've tried to convince myself.
• My negativity acts as a wall.*
• It's time for a change. I've been negative for too long.
• People are drawn to happiness. I read in a book somewhere that positivity and happiness are like magnets. You drawn out the best in other people, and people are drawn to you.

Why this is hard:

• I like immediate change. Instant gratification is my favorite.
• I'm not patient. I'll give up halfway through saying "I didn't need to change anyway." 
• I'm lazy. I'll get busy, revert back to my old ways, and then never find it in me to continue on this journey. 
• I'm bad at motivating myself. 
• I don't like to ask others for help, so I won't ask anyone's help in this.
• I'm super independent, so I want to make this change on my own, without other's pestering me.
• I like to make lists (like this one) with all negative reasons. 
• Sometimes I really do enjoy being a cynic (or at least I think I do).
• It's changing a mindset. I've been negative for forever, and changing the way I think is hard. 
• I like complaining. I like it a lot.
• I'm going to have to start paying a lot more attention to the things I dislike about myself.
• If I tell my friends that I want to be more positive, they will pester me when I'm negative, making me want to be more negative in turn. (My friends are assholes in the best way, but they're also kind of negative).
• As a society we shy away from change. We don't like it. We like our routines. Change is hard. Change is different. 

How I'm going to change:

• Start using positive words instead of negative words.
• Look for the beauty in everyday objects.
• Try not to focus on the bad things. Instead, I'll try to find the good things that happen every day.
• Take time to find the things in life that make me happy and do those things more.
• Not stake my happiness on things outside of my control (i.e. other people and their actions).
• Accept compliments more readily.
• Complain less.
• Hate on myself less.
• Roll with the punches. If something doesn't go as planned, move on and not dwell on it.

*My mom pointed this out to me in a call recently. I told her I started this blog and how I want to change, and she gave me some outside perspective (which she's always been great at). I told her that I've always remembered being negative, and she said that it was probably because it started as a defense in 5th and 6th grade. I had to defend myself against bullies and guys that wanted to hit on me, and so I built up this wall of sarcasm and negativity. When I didn't need these walls four years later, I couldn't put them down because they became habit. It was second nature to be mean and cynical.