The past two days have taught me something valuable. Some more valuable, perhaps, than being happy. After realizing it today, I think that what I learned may be a very big step towards happiness and positive thinking. What I've learned? Acceptance.
You need to accept the things that happen, both good and bad. I don't think many people actually reject the good things that happen, but being in denial or rejecting the bad things that happen to you can get in the way of being happy.
Some things have been going not the way I want them to the past few days. My emotions have been off, and I feel like I've been on a miniature rollercoaster with my emotions. Today a few things happened that could have ruined my day. I could have been devastated. I probably would have been angry any other day at these things that happen that are outside of my control. By the third not-so-great thing that happened to me today, I had a moment of disappointment/anger, but then I said 'fuck it'. It's a phrase I've started to say a lot lately. 'Fuck who cares if I do something for me,' 'Fuck trying to bottle up my feelings and not communicate,' 'Fuck being unhappy because of circumstances that aren't always in my control.' And after I said 'fuck it' today, I accepted what happened. I accepted the fact that I probably won't go anywhere for Memorial Weekend. I accepted the fact that I'll probably go with my parents to New Mexico in June. I accepted that people change and I won't always get to know why.
After I accepted all these things, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I feel lighter and more carefree. Not completely carefree, because I can't operate like that, but not so concerned with other people. It's something that I feel like I used to know, but am finding out through actual trial and error, rather than what I've seen in the media/on TV/read in books. There's something oddly rewarding about learning a lesson like this on your own. I guess that's what they call life experience.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Up from Failure, Down from Happiness
So last time I blogged I was in the middle of a major breakdown. Since then I've talked to a few of the people directly involved with the situation and tried to make amends. It definitely got some things off my chest and made me feel a little better, but I still haven't really had a good day since I was in California over a week ago.
I can't attribute all of my depression (because that's what it feels like. It's not me being sad and exaggerating it, it's actually depression, though a mild form) to the stress of finals week or the worry about my failure. Most of my finals are over and the one real test I have, I'm not crazy worried about. It's not political science so I think I actually have a fighting chance.
I think my depression stems from one of two things. 1) I started birth control last Sunday, and that's designed to fuck with my hormones. This is the most likely of the two. 2) Drama in my personal life. This is probably exacerbating the effects of birth control, but it's definitely not helping. Ever have a situation where you screwed up, apologized and assumed things were going to get better, then they really didn't? Like, they got better on the surface but there was still a lot of tension underneath? That's where I'm at with personal drama. And it sucks. Usually I'm the one to hold grudges for forever, but this time I'm ready to forgive and (all but) forget. I can't describe how much I dislike people being upset with me, and I still feel that negativity coming off of people. It feels like things will never be the same and that one particular person is ready to create distance between us.
It hurts a little. We're close, me and this person, and I'm not ready to handle this "break up" (because even friendships are relationships), if that's even what it is. I'm fairly close to cutting things off myself to save myself from any more pain it might cause me. It's not the first time this particular friendship has caused me anxiety, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Until this past year I was fairly quiet and had next to no drama in my life. Since I've gained a couple friendships it seems every few months my life gets turned on end. I love these people, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run to keep them as friends.
Trying to stay positive through all of this is hard. Since my major breakdown last week I've been able to find at least a few things to be happy about, but my days have overall been very bland. Or I guess monotone would be a good way to describe them. Gray, almost? Like everything is one dull color and even the spring sunshine can't wash away the funk that I'm in. It's hard for me. Not only is it frustrating to me for my own happiness, but it's been hindering my school work, and I know it. My motivation is gone (not that I've ever had much motivation when it comes to writing papers anyway), and I'm even more worried about my grades than I have been in the past.
I thought things would cool down after we all got back from California, but tensions are still high and I'm having a hard time dealing with the stress from work, school, and the personal drama.
I can't attribute all of my depression (because that's what it feels like. It's not me being sad and exaggerating it, it's actually depression, though a mild form) to the stress of finals week or the worry about my failure. Most of my finals are over and the one real test I have, I'm not crazy worried about. It's not political science so I think I actually have a fighting chance.
I think my depression stems from one of two things. 1) I started birth control last Sunday, and that's designed to fuck with my hormones. This is the most likely of the two. 2) Drama in my personal life. This is probably exacerbating the effects of birth control, but it's definitely not helping. Ever have a situation where you screwed up, apologized and assumed things were going to get better, then they really didn't? Like, they got better on the surface but there was still a lot of tension underneath? That's where I'm at with personal drama. And it sucks. Usually I'm the one to hold grudges for forever, but this time I'm ready to forgive and (all but) forget. I can't describe how much I dislike people being upset with me, and I still feel that negativity coming off of people. It feels like things will never be the same and that one particular person is ready to create distance between us.
It hurts a little. We're close, me and this person, and I'm not ready to handle this "break up" (because even friendships are relationships), if that's even what it is. I'm fairly close to cutting things off myself to save myself from any more pain it might cause me. It's not the first time this particular friendship has caused me anxiety, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Until this past year I was fairly quiet and had next to no drama in my life. Since I've gained a couple friendships it seems every few months my life gets turned on end. I love these people, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run to keep them as friends.
Trying to stay positive through all of this is hard. Since my major breakdown last week I've been able to find at least a few things to be happy about, but my days have overall been very bland. Or I guess monotone would be a good way to describe them. Gray, almost? Like everything is one dull color and even the spring sunshine can't wash away the funk that I'm in. It's hard for me. Not only is it frustrating to me for my own happiness, but it's been hindering my school work, and I know it. My motivation is gone (not that I've ever had much motivation when it comes to writing papers anyway), and I'm even more worried about my grades than I have been in the past.
I thought things would cool down after we all got back from California, but tensions are still high and I'm having a hard time dealing with the stress from work, school, and the personal drama.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Failure
This past week or so has been a roller coaster. Last weekend I was invited to help with the VEX Robotics World Championship in Anaheim. I had the best 4 days of my life there. I got to be a part of something amazing and incredibly fun. However, problems arose when I got back.
After not getting much sleep during the event, I was incredibly tired. I slept through two of my classes, woke up even more sick than I was when I left California, and barely made it to dinner and back before collapsing in my apartment.
Because it's dead week and I go to a school that likes to have finals during dead week, not finals week, I'm already incredibly stressed about projects and exams, not to mention that I am still sick 4 days later and I haven't really gotten any better at all.
To pile on top of the craziness of my life, Tuesday night I had a bomb dropped on me. It's safe to say that it turned my life upside down, and I've been having an insanely hard time coping with it. I've failed miserably. I feel like a failure in every aspect. I screwed up big, and it taunts me constantly.
Through all of this, I've learned who my real friends are and without them I would not have made it. I wouldn't have had the motivation to finish a major project, deal with things that needed to be dealt with, or even leave my room. It's difficult. I went from the best week of my life to the worst and I can honestly say that I'm having major problems staying positive through all of it. One thing helps though (besides my friends), and that's my 100 happy days challenge. At this point it really is a challenge. Every other day I had a lot of different options as to what made me happy. The past few days there has literally only been one thing a day that makes me happy. Tuesday was Starbucks (before the bomb dropped) and my friend Jason. If it weren't for him, I would still be curled in the fetal position on my bed. Yesterday was my friend Adrienne. Without her I don't know where I would be. She has always been there for me, and I've never been more grateful.
I'm still worried about everything, though. I screwed up big time, and I can't express how horrible I feel. I think about this particular failure constantly, and it's probably interfered with the three finals I've taken since Tuesday night. I feel like I shouldn't be trusted, and it's a hard thing to hate yourself this much this constantly.
To make matters worse, I've started to realize some other things in my life that aren't healthy. I'm planning out my course of action, but I would much rather run away than have the inevitable conversation that's going to happen. I don't like confrontation. I don't like people being mad at me. And right now I'm having to deal with both.
I don't know what to do or how I'm going to get through it. I'm trying my hardest to keep things together and to try and stay positive through all of this mess. It's beyond difficult, but I'm also being made to realize just how great some people in my life are. Let's just hope I can survive this mess without getting too screwed up on the way through.
After not getting much sleep during the event, I was incredibly tired. I slept through two of my classes, woke up even more sick than I was when I left California, and barely made it to dinner and back before collapsing in my apartment.
Because it's dead week and I go to a school that likes to have finals during dead week, not finals week, I'm already incredibly stressed about projects and exams, not to mention that I am still sick 4 days later and I haven't really gotten any better at all.
To pile on top of the craziness of my life, Tuesday night I had a bomb dropped on me. It's safe to say that it turned my life upside down, and I've been having an insanely hard time coping with it. I've failed miserably. I feel like a failure in every aspect. I screwed up big, and it taunts me constantly.
Through all of this, I've learned who my real friends are and without them I would not have made it. I wouldn't have had the motivation to finish a major project, deal with things that needed to be dealt with, or even leave my room. It's difficult. I went from the best week of my life to the worst and I can honestly say that I'm having major problems staying positive through all of it. One thing helps though (besides my friends), and that's my 100 happy days challenge. At this point it really is a challenge. Every other day I had a lot of different options as to what made me happy. The past few days there has literally only been one thing a day that makes me happy. Tuesday was Starbucks (before the bomb dropped) and my friend Jason. If it weren't for him, I would still be curled in the fetal position on my bed. Yesterday was my friend Adrienne. Without her I don't know where I would be. She has always been there for me, and I've never been more grateful.
I'm still worried about everything, though. I screwed up big time, and I can't express how horrible I feel. I think about this particular failure constantly, and it's probably interfered with the three finals I've taken since Tuesday night. I feel like I shouldn't be trusted, and it's a hard thing to hate yourself this much this constantly.
To make matters worse, I've started to realize some other things in my life that aren't healthy. I'm planning out my course of action, but I would much rather run away than have the inevitable conversation that's going to happen. I don't like confrontation. I don't like people being mad at me. And right now I'm having to deal with both.
I don't know what to do or how I'm going to get through it. I'm trying my hardest to keep things together and to try and stay positive through all of this mess. It's beyond difficult, but I'm also being made to realize just how great some people in my life are. Let's just hope I can survive this mess without getting too screwed up on the way through.
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