So last time I blogged I was in the middle of a major breakdown. Since then I've talked to a few of the people directly involved with the situation and tried to make amends. It definitely got some things off my chest and made me feel a little better, but I still haven't really had a good day since I was in California over a week ago.
I can't attribute all of my depression (because that's what it feels like. It's not me being sad and exaggerating it, it's actually depression, though a mild form) to the stress of finals week or the worry about my failure. Most of my finals are over and the one real test I have, I'm not crazy worried about. It's not political science so I think I actually have a fighting chance.
I think my depression stems from one of two things. 1) I started birth control last Sunday, and that's designed to fuck with my hormones. This is the most likely of the two. 2) Drama in my personal life. This is probably exacerbating the effects of birth control, but it's definitely not helping. Ever have a situation where you screwed up, apologized and assumed things were going to get better, then they really didn't? Like, they got better on the surface but there was still a lot of tension underneath? That's where I'm at with personal drama. And it sucks. Usually I'm the one to hold grudges for forever, but this time I'm ready to forgive and (all but) forget. I can't describe how much I dislike people being upset with me, and I still feel that negativity coming off of people. It feels like things will never be the same and that one particular person is ready to create distance between us.
It hurts a little. We're close, me and this person, and I'm not ready to handle this "break up" (because even friendships are relationships), if that's even what it is. I'm fairly close to cutting things off myself to save myself from any more pain it might cause me. It's not the first time this particular friendship has caused me anxiety, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Until this past year I was fairly quiet and had next to no drama in my life. Since I've gained a couple friendships it seems every few months my life gets turned on end. I love these people, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run to keep them as friends.
Trying to stay positive through all of this is hard. Since my major breakdown last week I've been able to find at least a few things to be happy about, but my days have overall been very bland. Or I guess monotone would be a good way to describe them. Gray, almost? Like everything is one dull color and even the spring sunshine can't wash away the funk that I'm in. It's hard for me. Not only is it frustrating to me for my own happiness, but it's been hindering my school work, and I know it. My motivation is gone (not that I've ever had much motivation when it comes to writing papers anyway), and I'm even more worried about my grades than I have been in the past.
I thought things would cool down after we all got back from California, but tensions are still high and I'm having a hard time dealing with the stress from work, school, and the personal drama.
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