Failure

This past week or so has been a roller coaster. Last weekend I was invited to help with the VEX Robotics World Championship in Anaheim. I had the best 4 days of my life there. I got to be a part of something amazing and incredibly fun. However, problems arose when I got back.

After not getting much sleep during the event, I was incredibly tired. I slept through two of my classes, woke up even more sick than I was when I left California, and barely made it to dinner and back before collapsing in my apartment.

Because it's dead week and I go to a school that likes to have finals during dead week, not finals week, I'm already incredibly stressed about projects and exams, not to mention that I am still sick 4 days later and I haven't really gotten any better at all.

To pile on top of the craziness of my life, Tuesday night I had a bomb dropped on me. It's safe to say that it turned my life upside down, and I've been having an insanely hard time coping with it. I've failed miserably. I feel like a failure in every aspect. I screwed up big, and it taunts me constantly.

Through all of this, I've learned who my real friends are and without them I would not have made it. I wouldn't have had the motivation to finish a major project, deal with things that needed to be dealt with, or even leave my room. It's difficult. I went from the best week of my life to the worst and I can honestly say that I'm having major problems staying positive through all of it. One thing helps though (besides my friends), and that's my 100 happy days challenge. At this point it really is a challenge. Every other day I had a lot of different options as to what made me happy. The past few days there has literally only been one thing a day that makes me happy. Tuesday was Starbucks (before the bomb dropped) and my friend Jason. If it weren't for him, I would still be curled in the fetal position on my bed.  Yesterday was my friend Adrienne. Without her I don't know where I would be. She has always been there for me, and I've never been more grateful.

I'm still worried about everything, though. I screwed up big time, and I can't express how horrible I feel. I think about this particular failure constantly, and it's probably interfered with the three finals I've taken since Tuesday night. I feel like I shouldn't be trusted, and it's a hard thing to hate yourself this much this constantly.

To make matters worse, I've started to realize some other things in my life that aren't healthy. I'm planning out my course of action, but I would much rather run away than have the inevitable conversation that's going to happen. I don't like confrontation. I don't like people being mad at me. And right now I'm having to deal with both.

I don't know what to do or how I'm going to get through it. I'm trying my hardest to keep things together and to try and stay positive through all of this mess. It's beyond difficult, but I'm also being made to realize just how great some people in my life are. Let's just hope I can survive this mess without getting too screwed up on the way through.